


tried to wash you away (but you just won't leave)

by ThunderstormsandMemories



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Baggage, Fake Science, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 13:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11647875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderstormsandMemories/pseuds/ThunderstormsandMemories
Summary: in which Bumblebee and Starscream have a Conversation, accidentally confess their Feelings, and oh yeah by the way Bumblebee's trapped in a rapidly shrinking alternate dimension and not dead after all





	tried to wash you away (but you just won't leave)

**Author's Note:**

> vaguely canon compliant if I'd written it like. a couple months ago before the Events of recent issues because I didn't feel like dealing with any of that
> 
> title from Haunting by Halsey

“You realize I’m not actually dead, right?” Bee said. Starscream looked up, even though he knew there was no point; he knew exactly what he would see: Bumblebee, leaning casually against the doorway to Starscream’s office like he’d always been there even though he hadn’t existed a moment ago and he was only a hallucination anyway, so really there was no point even talking to him.

“You definitely died,” Starscream said. “No way even the strongest bot would survive, and no offense, Bee, but you were never that.”

“Thanks,” he said dryly.

“Don’t mention it,” Starscream said. “Is there a point to this, or can I get back to work? You would not _believe_ how much bureaucracy is involved in rebuilding a planet. Well, you do now, because you’re a figment of my imagination and we sure did find that out the hard way.”

“You’re not listening to me,” said Bee. “I’m not a figment of your imagination and I’m not dead. I’m alive, kind of, and I’m trapped, but I think there’s a way to bring me back.”

Starscream laughed, and Bee looked offended, like he’d actually expected Starscream to believe him. “You’re just saying that because it’s what I want to hear.”

“No, I’m serious, and I need your help- wait, what? What do you mean, that’s what you want to hear?”

“You’re my subconscious,” Starscream said. “We’ve been over this. You tell me things I want to hear, even if I don’t always know that I need to hear them, but sometimes you take the whole wishful thinking thing a little too far.”

“You want to hear that I’m alive?” Bee said, still sounding entirely too surprised.

“Obviously,” Starscream said. “Are you really going to make me say it out loud? Isn’t it enough that you’re making me think about it?” Clearly, he needed to do a better job of repressing his feelings, if his subconscious was making him confront them like this.

“Sometimes saying things out loud instead of bottling them up can be healthy,” said Bee.

“You’ve met me,” said Starscream. “If I wanted to talk about my feelings I’d actually go to therapy.”

“Humor me,” said Bee.

“You’re not going to go away until I do, are you?”

“No,” Bee said, crossing his arms.

“Fine,” Starscream said, standing up. It wasn’t like he was getting any work done anyway. “I want to hear that you’re alive. I miss you, the real you. And talking to you like this, it almost makes me forget you’re gone but it’s not the same.”

“You care about me,” Bee said, sounding oddly touched.

“That’s not what I said,” Starscream said.

“It’s what you meant, though, isn’t it?”

Starscream looked away. “I guess.” And then, because he could just _tell_ that Bumblebee was giving him that disappointed pout even without looking at him, he added, “Yeah, I do. You’re… well, you’re you. You’re so good and you believe in me for some reason and you make me want to be better.”

“Oh…” Bee said. “I didn’t know. I would have… why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you’re dead,” Starscream said, “so it’s pointless. And even if you weren’t dead it would still be pointless. I would never, could never, say anything to you anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s stupid. Because it’s a distraction and a weakness, and I can’t afford either, and even if that wasn’t true, you’re still you and I’m me.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

Starscream gestured vaguely at himself. “You’ve met me, you should know exactly what that means.”

“Explain it to me, then,” said Bee. “Because from where I’m standing, everything you’ve said sounds like a bunch of excuses. Did you ever even consider how I might feel?”

“You’re dead,” Starscream said.

“You just keep telling yourself that,” Bee said, “because it sounds like you don’t really believe it.”

“You’re dead and even if you weren’t, there’s no way I’d have a chance with you, and even if I did it would only lead to you getting hurt and I don’t want to risk that.”

“You’re not listening to me,” said Bee. “I care about you, and-”

“Not cool,” Starscream said. “Even for a hallucination this is a bit much. You can’t trick me into admitting my feelings and then throw them back in my face like this. I like him, alright? I like him a lot, and he’s gone, and it’s the fucking worst.”

There was a moment of silence, and Bee was staring at him with an expression that he couldn’t recognize on his face, and Starscream realized he had been very nearly shouting. He also realized that the door was open, and Windblade was standing there, looking not at him, but at Bee.

“Bumblebee?” Windblade said, her voice hardly more than a whisper. “You’re alive?”

Starscream looked at Windblade, and then at Bee, and then back at Windblade, and nothing made any more sense. “You can see him too?”

“Of course I can see him,” Windblade said, “but what is he doing here?”

“I was trying to tell you,” Bee said, “I need your help.”

Oh. Oh, fuck. Well, now Starscream felt like even more of an asshole. If Bumblebee had really been alive this entire time, had been trying to tell Starscream that he needed help, and Starscream had been ignoring him- It wasn’t like Starscream had never felt guilty before. But somehow this felt unforgivable.

“Wait,” Starscream said. “Why can she see you now? No one ever could before. Unless this is the first time you’re real, and the other times you actually were a figment of my imagination, which is still concerning but we can deal with that later. Unless she’s also a figment of my imagination, in which case-”

“Starscream?” Windblade said.

“Yeah?”

“Stop talking.” And then, turning to Bumblebee: “Where are you? What do you need?”

“How are you alive?” Starscream added.

“I don’t know,” Bumblebee said. “I don’t think I have that much time left. Every time I speak to you it takes more of my energy, and this time I spent even more, to make sure I was heard. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do this again.”

“What do I have to do?” said Starscream.

As it turned out, not much. Most of what had to be done involved some very complicated science that was beyond either Starscream or Windblade’s understanding, the kind of science Rodimus probably would’ve called magic, but they could understand enough to relay Bumblebee’s information to someone who could do something about it. From what he understood, it was more bullshit about parallel pocket dimensions, and somehow Bumblebee had gotten himself trapped in one instead of actually dying, and also figured out how to escape, and Starscream was impressed that Bee had figured all of that part out alone, but he probably hadn’t had much else to do, trapped alone in a dying dimension. Not much to do except bothering Starscream, apparently.

Actually, Windblade did most of the relaying of information to Wheeljack and whoever else she thought could be trusted, since it was closer to her experiences with the Titans than anything Starscream had ever done, which left Starscream to awkwardly resume their conversation..

“Before,” he said, and then changed his mind halfway through to ask a different question that had been bothering him, “you said you made sure Windblade could see you this time, which makes it sound like you have control over where you go.”

“Yeah.”

“You could project yourself to one person in the entire universe and you picked _me_? What were you thinking?”

“It wasn’t a conscious choice,” Bee said. “Not at first. At first I was just lost, reaching out without direction, and then- I don’t know how to explain it, but I thought about you, and it was like an anchor, something tying me to Cybertron, to this dimension, to reality. It was like you were calling me back.”

“But once you’d figured out how to contact me,” Starscream said, “you could have gone to anyone else instead.”

“I could have,” Bee said. “But I liked talking to you. It reminded me of why I was trying so hard to get home.”

Starscream blinked, suddenly almost too overwhelmed with emotion to speak. Almost. “We’ll find you,” he said, and he wasn’t sure which of them he was trying to convince. “I mean it. Even if I have to tear a doorway between this universe and the next with my own hands, we’re gonna bring you back. You’ll be okay.”

“I know,” Bee said, softly, stepping closer. “I trust you.”

“Well, everyone makes mistakes,” said Starscream. “I mean. Not that it’s a mistake, necessarily, this time. We will find you, I’m not lying about that.”

“I know,” Bee said again, stepping even closer, so close that if he were physically there Starscream could have reached out and taken his hands. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worrying,” Starscream said, at that moment worrying about all the ways this could go wrong. “I’m just…planning. Plotting. Scheming. Not worrying. There’s a difference.”

“I’m sure,” said Bee, sounding incredibly unconvinced, but he was smiling, and they stayed comfortably silent for a moment, until Starscream remembered something else to worry about.

“How long can you stay this time?”

“I should be able to hold out until the process is complete, and then I’ll be corporeal again. Since I’m not really physically anywhere right now, when they bring me back to this plane of existence I’ll probably just stay here.”

“Probably?”

Bee shrugged. “Well, it’s not like I’ve ever done this before. But that’s probably what will happen.” And then, “Or I could just die for real.”

“That won’t happen,” Starscream said. “I- Bee? What’s happening? Are you okay?” Bumblebee opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out, and his projection was flickering, coming back a little fainter each time, still trying to speak, but Starscream couldn’t hear him, and then he couldn’t see him either. “Bee, stay with me. Please.”

But Bumblebee was gone, and there was only silence and an empty room, and a violent swirl of emotions that he wanted to push away, to compartmentalize and categorize next to the rest of his unresolved issues, but he probably owed it to Bumblebee to… to what? To mourn him properly this time? To let himself have feelings even though this was what came of it?

He would find Windblade, find out what had gone wrong, but first he would give himself a minute to collect himself, to close his eyes and pretend that Bee would be there again when he opened them.

And then, softly, hesitantly, he heard a voice: “Hey.”

And this was just too much, hearing his voice again, now. It had to be a hallucination, for real this time, and that might be more than he could take. Finally realizing he was alive, realizing that he cared and they cared about each other, and then losing him again. Well, he’d always known the universe was cruel and uncaring, and even if it wasn’t it wouldn’t waste its blessings on someone like him. 

But the voice was still there, still saying, concerned, “Are you okay? Starscream, talk to me.”

And then he felt two hands take his own, and they were solid and real, and so was the weight of Bee’s forehead resting against his chest, so that he could feel the vibrations when he spoke.

“It’s me,” Bee said. “It’s really me. It worked, I’m here, I’m alive.”

“Welcome home,” Starscream said, and he opened his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know anything about robots or space or that kind of science and I'm too lazy to try to actually figure out what's up with Bumblebee so. some vague handwave-y bullshit is what you're getting, that's not the point anyway the point is they finally have a god damn conversation and Starscream maybe stops repressing his feelings for 2 seconds


End file.
